husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
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If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…