Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

tfw you realize …

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

Wordle is trying to tell me something

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Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

*beach*

Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!

Me: I guess that makes you a liar.

Lifeguard: Excuse me?!

Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

i spent way too long on this

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”