husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
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[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.