Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
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I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
then why did i get this email
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”