Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

lmao

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.