Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

Nomnomnomnom

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

never forget

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.