Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog

I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

😤😤

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.