Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.

Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.

The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!

WHY?

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

M: so I’ve been thinking

*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome