*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
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horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
selfie game
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”