Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
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That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.