Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
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My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
we’re gonna need another temp
put ‘er there pardner!
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
