Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
You Might Also Like
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes