Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.

[invention of fish net stockings]

fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!

fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?

fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.