Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
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“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”