Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
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The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.