Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
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[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I camp so other people don’t have to.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Spring cleaning checklist…
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought