Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
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My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)