Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
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Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money