Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

Her: What do you do for fun?

Me: I write jokes about water vapor

Her: What’s that like?

M: It’s a gas

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

cat vs inanimate object

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.