Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

😂🥴

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

*knocks on bedroom window*

*holds up phone *

YOU LEFT ME ON READ!

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?