Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
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THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl