Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?

Bingo.

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

HR: Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?

HR:

Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?

HR:

Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?

HR:

Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

“I got you, babe.”

– kidnappers

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please