Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.