Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.

WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.

ME: [swallows suppository]

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison

#dnd #ttrpg

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.