Husband: *hacks up lung* I think I’m comin down with something

Me: lol ok whatever

Kid: *tiny cough*


You Might Also Like


“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”


Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read


I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.


me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know


I’ve never understood the whole ‘burying people for fun at the beach’. The cops will just find the bodies when the tide comes


In high school, people called me “Superman” due to my light eyes and physical build. Also because I wore my underwear on top of my pants.


All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.


The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking


Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”


My throat hurts, so I better keep swallowing 50 times a minute to make sure it still hurts.