Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
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The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
This raises questions
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name