@ValeeGrrl

Husband: *hacks up lung* I think I’m comin down with something

Me: lol ok whatever

Kid: *tiny cough*

Me: OMG MY POOR BABY COME TO MOMMA

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@aparnapkin

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

@meganamram

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

@MariyaAlexander

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

@ellewasamistake

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

@zachreinert03

I’ve never understood the whole ‘burying people for fun at the beach’. The cops will just find the bodies when the tide comes

@Kid_topher

In high school, people called me “Superman” due to my light eyes and physical build. Also because I wore my underwear on top of my pants.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

@TheTweetOfGod

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

@TheBeerGuy73

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

@usermcuserface

My throat hurts, so I better keep swallowing 50 times a minute to make sure it still hurts.