Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
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My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
A tragic love story in two pictures.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Whoa… oh I see lol
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
damn he’s good
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.