Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

Feeling sad? Donuts.

Feeling blah? Donuts.

Feeling upset? Donuts.

Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?

Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.