Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
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[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
oh you wanna fight?!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]