Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
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I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Something Saturday.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.