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Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam