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Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.