Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

Boom, boom, ching!

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.