Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
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EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Money is the root of all wealth
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game