Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
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[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Do one thing every day that scares people.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass