Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
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I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over