Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
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Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.