Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
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Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
i can’t wait that long
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Schrödinger’s cookie
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?