Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
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babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I disagree with my politics
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.