Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

Straight people are cancelled

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.