Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

In case you needed to hear it:

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat

Me: I…I’m not sure what to do

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

The world’s worst witness

Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.

Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?

Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

Just got to our Airbnb!

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*