Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
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Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.