Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—

ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home