Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
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ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
bat life
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?