Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.

“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB