Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
