Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
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PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
When you have to use a public restroom.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.