Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
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there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.