Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
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Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
My beach vacation Google searches
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.