Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
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They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag