Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

yes, those are my real potatoes.

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

yea so i messed up lol

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

All these self driving vehicles..It’s only a matter of time that we hear a country song about his truck leaving him

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.