Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?