Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
You Might Also Like
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites