Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
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What?!?
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.