Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
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Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day