Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
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*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
per my last wtf
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
and now we wait
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*