Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”

*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

house sitting!

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out