Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hackers play passwordle

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope

“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?

Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!

Holy moly

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…

[Chapstick Season]

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me