HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
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In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.