Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

[chopped]

Judge 1: this is disgusting

Judge 2: the chicken is raw

Judge 3: why are there froot loops

[the rat under my hat starts biting me]

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?