Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

My spirit animal is fried chicken

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead

-Me after pizza

Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?

Me: You don’t either!

4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes