Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie:

“If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water