Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

HR said no more nunchucks.

Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork