Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why you watching this shit?”

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”

My niece: ok grammar

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

britain’s three elite institutions

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

I just move my scale to different parts of the bathroom floor until I like the number.

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.