Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
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“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
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my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
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When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.