Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.