Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

When my 6yo is mad at us, he changes our avatars on the Nintendo Switch. Right now my husband’s name is Poop and I look like I ask to speak to managers.

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

huge if true: the moon

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies