@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

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@dubsteppenwolf

every time someone says “don’t give homeless people money, they’ll spend it on drugs” it’s like… so will I though??

@IndecisiveJones

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

@GHardstark

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

@DanMentos

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

@lovemydogduck

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

@jonnysun

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

@Eden_Eats

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

@Froschauer_AF

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

@jordan_stratton

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

@TheBoydP

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!