HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

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[high school sex ed class]
When are we ever going to use this in real life


scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit


one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk


“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”


ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses


Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.


Why don’t they have a WHITE history month?? Why don’t they have NON-handicapped parking spaces? Why’s there no cemetery for ALIVE people??


“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages