@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

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@weinerdog4life

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

@TweetPotato314

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

@Brianhopecomedy

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

@ArfMeasures

DENTIST [nods at my son] He did so well, do you want a sticker for him?
ME: Yeah, sure

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Harry?
ME [smoothing sticker down on my shirt] the dentist offered a trade

@Moldy_Jellybean

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

@ArfMeasures

Her: Talk dirty to me

Me: I’m not good at it

Her: omg just do it!

Me: You’re a bad girl

Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?

Me: Substandard

@markedly

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do