every time someone says “don’t give homeless people money, they’ll spend it on drugs” it’s like… so will I though??
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
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lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
G: But it shows every pee drip