The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
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murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
DENTIST [nods at my son] He did so well, do you want a sticker for him?
ME: Yeah, sure
WIFE: Where’s Harry?
ME [smoothing sticker down on my shirt] the dentist offered a trade
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do