Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

don’t message me unless you have this energy

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.