HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
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Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Good point.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Teach your children to beatbox
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?