Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?

Me: um yes. I’m married.

CG: *shrugs* your loss.

Me:

CG:

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.