Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

you wanna pause your show on peacock? you’re starting the episode over. you wanna skip ahead? you’re starting the episode over. you want closed captions? you’re watching below deck.

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything