Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
You Might Also Like
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My five year plan is a meteorite
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
#growingpains
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*