Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

first you must answer his riddles

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

Family Celebrity

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant